Failure as a parent.
I’d say it’s pretty much the biggest fear. Every day I want to make sure my children end up better than me.
Depending on the state of my self worth and ego on any given day, the goal posts are closer or farther apart.
Then come the days when it’s all beyond you but you still feel guilty.
A few weeks ago, suddenly my son told me about how when he was looking at things they’d start jumping back and forth in his vision.
What? No! You’re my kid. You’re perfect. (Except for those times you’re not)
So, I’ll admit… this set me off a little. There was never a question of it. Just suddenly there it was.
Here’s a hiccup that a solid majority of the human race goes through every day. Something less than perfect sight.
So, we got him in to the opthalmologist as soon as we could…
I watched him stumble over basic letters reading on the eye charts that I thought were simple. I’ve always had the benefit of perfect vision, I’ve never had to consider the difficulty some have to see.
Yet there it was in front of me. I’m not used to watching him stumble over anything. Here he was unable to read a line of letters.
I blamed myself.
There was absolutely no logical way to blame myself, but I managed it anyways.
That’s what parenting is, I think.
Possible it corrects before he’s ten… possible not.
He’s excited about his funky new glasses he’ll get.
My wife finally gets the cute boy in glasses she’s always wanted… especially after she realized my sight wasn’t failing so it was unlikely it’d be me.
And I come out of it with mixed feelings. On one side, I’m happy he’ll be able to see all of the things. He’ll be able to excel in areas he’d previously been fighting hard and doing well in. It’ll help with his insatiable desire to learn all of the things.
On the other… I can accept that he is as human as you or I. Not perfect. I don’t like having to accept that… but I can.
And sure… sometimes I will fail. But I fail only about things within my control.
This was not.
So maybe I’ll beat myself up anyways… but I know.
I think I do.
Of course I do.